U n t r ö s t l i c h
June 2011
yesterday I was going to exercise (the last time was 3 weeks ago) and I was surprised because it was so easy, so good. Has my endurance increased itself? - wow. Today I got some muscle ache, but it’s okay and I was so proud that I went to exercise yesterday. :)
“Aber das ist nichts, was dir liegt, oder?”
Du unfreundliche Kuh. Bin ich froh, dass dieses Praktikum morgen vorbei ist und ich nur so kurz mit dir zusammen arbeiten musste. Immer diese Stichelei und Arroganz!
“Wieso sollte es mir nicht liegen?” Ich bin heute zickig und wenn du dumme Kommentare ablässt, kriegst du eine schnippische Antwort, verlass dich drauf! Heute lässt du mich nicht so dumm darstehen.
“I weep to have, what I fear to lose…”
—
29) That fucked up moment when your periods starts and it's the worst feeling ever.
The biggest fear concerning telling my parents about my ED
It’s weird. I’ve just come to realize it’s not mostly about shame or not being accepted/helped.
The biggest fear I have is that I won’t be able to binge without being stopped.
It would be another additional thing to hide and this would make everything even more complicated.
"Describe a typical day for you (with your mentall illnesses)"
(Idea taken from ithurtssomuchs therapeutic homework)
I wake up from my mum calling me on my phone, go to the bathroom, have breakfast (toast & coffee) and go to my internship (which will be over next week). I really hate it there and am pretty happy when it’s over. I will make some muffins for my last day and hope I won’t end up eating them all myself…
After I worked (or pretended to work) I have a lunch-break and I’m driving home ‘cos my mum makes lunch for me and it’s only 5 min. with my car between the place where I have my internship and my home. After eating and talking with my mum I go to “visit my cat” upstairs and throw up lunch. Or I just go to the normal bathroom and be quiet, which works sometimes. Afterwards I go back to ‘work’.
In the evening I come home and talk to whoever is in the kitchen or livingroom, then go to my room and stay online a few hours. Dinner is sometimes lonely, because we use to eat when we’re hungry and have no meals together as a family… the last days I just went downstairs and asked my mum for dinner. We cooked, ate and I had a “shower”, while I purged. - Dinner also isn’t allowed to stay. Then I have the shower and go back into my room. Stay online the rest of the day until late at night and go to bed tired of everything.
- At weekends it’s little different. No breakfast, I sleep very long, sometimes I hang out with friends. But purging is a daily routine.
