When I was a child, I was very tiny and could eat how much and whatever I wanted. I was eating more than other children my age, but I never had weight issues. I was a very fidgety child, so I guess that’s why. I was always running and jumping and full of energy. I was a happy child.
When I reached puberty it changed. I gained weight and was not longer the tiniest girl in my class. I was still at normal weight, but I remember a day in 2006 , standing in front of the mirror and noticing that my ass was too fat. So I decided to lose some weight. At the same time I must have seen something about pro ana in the media and I searched for blogs via google. I found them. I was fascinated with it, but to be honest, there was no tips or anything that I would not have found out myself. I also managed to get in a pro ana forum. I would not say, that it was the trigger for my eating disorder. I would have keep losing weight anyway. It was just, that I found support there, which I would not have had otherwise. I did not get any tips for losing weight there either. But I liked that everyone there was thinking like me and not judging me for the way I lost weight.
So I lost weight really easily at first. When I lost like 3 kg, which was what I wanted at the beginning, I thought: Why not losing some more? Maybe you would look even better then! - So I did. I was restricting, eating less, nothing for dinner. Sometimes I threw up what I ate, but not that often. And I was not really starving myself. I was not exercising. I still can’t tell why I lost so much weight. In 2007 I reached my lowest weight, I had lost 14 kg and was at 39kg. I had no problems with hair loss, I just felt weak often.
2007 I went to secondary school to get my diploma. At the same time I was developing social anxiety which were very heavy. I went to a neurologist and began taking antidepressants. They was one reason for gaining my weight back. The other was, that school now was until 16 pm every day, so I had to eat there. I also thought, that gaining weight back would not be that fast. I gained everything back and even more.
In 2009 I left school earlier to make an apprenticeship. I was very unhappy there, I moved out in another city and it was hell. I ate so much, sometimes I purged. Sometimes I ate just to purge. I used it to deal with self-disappointment, anger, everything. I dropped out in 2010 I guess (my memory is kind of weird atm), I could not deal with the problems I had with my boss. He was an asshole, bullying me, I bursted out in tears in front of him two times, because he was so mean to me. I was cutting often at this time. I really hated myself. So I quit. At this time I was at my highest weight ever, 58kg. I don’t know why I could not start losing weight again, I was just eating all the time. Maybe I had a binge eating problem at this time, I’m not sure. I don’t know, if you could say that I had an eating disorder. I was so fat in 2010, even in 2009 I was not thin anymore. But I remember my mind being still sick. Always thinking about food, eating, not eating. Pressure, guilt for eating, guilt for being fat, guilt for not being able to starve.
2011 I decided that I could no longer be fat. It was enough. So I purged after eating dinner. At first only a few times a week, but I had to purge more and more often, so it ended up in purging twice a day for a couple of weeks. I lost weight again and was so so happy. I also started restricting again. I was going through a hard time. Sometimes I purged twice a day for weeks, sometimes I purged not for a few days, etc. At the end of 2011 I reached my current weight, which is about 41 - 42 kg.
At the moment I am still purging often, but there are days where I don’t. I am restricting and trying to starve as good as I can. I want to lose some more weight. I don’t know what to do, if I will really reach my goal weight. I guess I have to find out, if I would go farther and die, or if I recover. I am not sure, if I could let go of this disease. It was with me for all this years, always a hold. Even at the time I was fat, eating was how I solved problems, feelings. Now it is not eating or purging. I am not sure, if I will ever be normal or healthy again. This thoughts won’t just go away. I can’t change my mind. I am too afraid to try, to let go. I don’t want to be fat anymore. Never ever again.
So yeah… that’s my ed story. If you have any questions, just ask.