I’ve always been aware 

of being worthless,

but I had no idea

how annoying I also am.

I suck at drawing. my watercolor drawings look horrible and now I can’t find the Gouache I am looking for. My art school has this great ones but my teacher can’t remember who made them and I can not find them. 

not like I lose one follower, no I lose like 5 at the same time. 

A few days ago I bought my first shorts ever since I have this scars all over my legs from self harming. 

I hope I gonna find the courage to wear them.

it. is. too. hot. How am I supposed to find any sleep tonight? 

I am such a failure. I feel like life is always making up my hopes to destroy them and see how long it takes until I kill myself.

Just failed the 3rd test for applying for studying fashion design. / Well I passed in Hannover, but only with 3 out of 15 possible points and even the profs said chances are pretty low to get in.

So I tried again in Bielefeld this time and for the 3rd time my folder (including my arts) passed and I was allowed for the second part of the test. And AGAIN I failed at this. So you see? I am good, but never quite good enough. Never enough to pass completely. And there was this girl I also met at the test in Hannover, where she only got 1 point and she is not a good drawer at all but she passed in Bielefeld. ~ 

The worst is they don’t tell you what went wrong. Not a single word about the reasons why you did not make it. They offered to tell you about improving your folder in october but fuck it my folder is not the problem obviously! - Sure improving is never wrong and when they finally give it an A+++ I guess even sucking at the next part of the test will let you pass, but it would be a lot more helpful to get some feedback of what went wrong at the second part. 

This makes me super sad and frustrated and to be honest I was feeling suicidal for hours, what I did not for a while. I could not handle this, not being good enough AGAIN. 

- Now I pray Hannover will consider me or some miracle happens and I get in at Hannover - otherwise I would have to try to get some apprenticeship at a custom tailoring or a theatre studio and after that applying again. // But in this case I’d have to make a complete new folder I guess… I can’t use ones that are a few years old I fear.

And again I am so angry of all this people who just apply once and make it at the first try. When there are people like me who fight and always try to improve and even take nude drawing courses (ew) and apply again and again and it just never works - sure the folder is good ok, but that is not helping when I fail at the actual test. And I just have no idea what is always going so wrong there. I am giving the best I have and obviously it’s not my drawing that is bad since people that draw even worse than me passed - maybe I am just not talented enough.

:(

ok i’m super nervous because on saturday I’m gonna see my ex again for the first time ever since we broke up in 2009

it’s getting worse again.

oh but yesterday I have been to a disco and they had some lottery where you could win shoes. All my friends did not get anything but I won. So I could tell them my shoe size and decide which one I’d like. 

My best friend looked them up later, they are only 12 € shoes but all of them where in this price and still mine look really cool and I am happy because I never win anything and normally never have any luck. This cheered me up a fucking lot and I had a lot more fun!

a list of things that make me happy:

• cuddling my cat
• reading a really good book
• watching a new episode of a show I like
• having a cup of coffee / cappuccino ready to drink
• painting, sketching, drawing, etc.
• shopping with friends OR with my dad (he pays) 
• thinking about maybe soon having a chihuahua ♥
• listening to a great new song over and over and over again
• going out with friends, getting drunk, behaving really weird and funny with them
• going to bed knowing that I am allowed to sleep more than 9+ hours

I wonder if it always felt like this, feeling every piece coming up my gullet. Everytime I wonder and ask myself why I’m doing this, but I can’t just not do it anymore and I wonder if this is really worth it or if being fat would really be so bad but then I just get all this feelings coming back, shame and guilt and I just can’t keep this inside knowing I won’t be able to get everything out and this makes me feel even more like a failure and it hurts and I feel my heart feeling weird and it sucks.

So I made this costume for my art course and it should be a forest-fairy thing but now I am not sure if I should add some sequins and pearls on the under part of the dress? :/ I have some. But I thought of maybe wearing it again for some ceremony things and I can’t if it looks too much like a costume. Um… help??

I guess I’m getting my period again. And I hate it. Not having it for over half a year was scary somehow, but so easy. I hate having my period. It’s not like I’m having more pains than others, it just annoys me and is stressful and I feel bloated all the time. 

it’s my birthday today and I already got some presents and my mom bought me some really amazing clothes.